My friend Joan had many good qualities, but her emotional suffering and loneliness made it difficult for our friendship at times. I'd tell her about something that had made me happy (a hike to a mountain lake, for example), and she'd respond with regrets about not being able to do that herself, and how unhappy she was, and so forth. This was a problem even before her cancer diagnosis. So eventually I learned not to share things that made my happy, and focused more on doing things for her that could bring her happiness. It felt a bit stifling to keep my own life under wraps like that, but it was what I had to do as part of my program to alleviate her suffering.
P.S. Music brought me much happiness yesterday. First this:
Then playing some Celtic / tango music with friends. One of these friends was the one who called me a "murderer" for not taking the Glorious Goo, but she seems to have forgotten all that, and wants to be my friend again. That was fine, and the music-making was really fun. But I still have a wariness about friendships like this.
I remember saying once that I woke up feeling happy and a friend replying 'You must not have chronic pain.' It is why it felt risky to make this confession. It invokes, "What nerve you have to be happy when other people are suffering!" And I think this goes back to religion and a god of suffering and sacrifice.
I'm glad to provide a place where you can confess things that make you happy, Mark ;-) Kathleen's response on YT gave me the courage to post this. Grateful for you both!
I think that's one of the trickiest threads to detangle, LoWa. If I were doing something--physically, mentally, nutritionally, spiritually--to not have chronic pain, I would be controlling that. I would have a type of magic ritual that I could market. I'd be responsible for my lack of pain, meaning that if I had pain, I'd be responsible for that too. The same would go for finding love, having money, a fulfilling career, or any of the things we 'manifest.'
What I look at is whether there's meaning in my pain. For instance, the root canal I have scheduled at the end of this month. It's showing me that, when things go wrong, I have the competence and resources to deal with them. And that I have some lovely people it gets me in touch with. And connects me to other people who are dealing with pain, and understanding how debilitating that is.
I don't think any of us can find the meaning in someone else's pain or tragedy. But it's okay to be happy and not internalize their pain, or feel that you care less about theirs because you haven't dealt with it. Not having my own physical or emotional baggage has given me the bandwidth to be aware of how suffering is being inflicted on a global scale. I don't need to assume people are suffering, however. I can think of people in Gaza laughing in the worst of deprivation, and having more meaning and understanding of purpose in their little finger than I'll have in a lifetime. And I'll still be as motivated to give them less meaning, through less suffering, insh'allah.
But now for a superficial answer. My friend Lisa say I'm a model for her in going easy on myself. When we do aerial or dance, she's always beating herself up for the things she can't do. When our teacher asked our goals, I said I had none--I was perfectly happy with where I was at. So my answer is to lower your expectations ;-) Pain is not gain.
Ohhh yees so tangly! I worked in my dad’s clinic for a while and it was amazing to see people going in looking defeated and coming out like spring chickens. All without pills! And subtle realignments, plus holistic nutrition, meditation, breathing, essential oils etc.
But I feel you - I don’t want to be in the mindset of “controlling” or “managing” my health (nor the victim-blaming inherent in self-responsibility/bootstraps mentality) but I still do acknowledge there are things I can do that help, things that don’t, and also plain old luck that may or may not work out at the last minute (like for your daughters). It’s so easy to forget pain when I don’t have it, but the moment I stub my toe and my whole world has collapsed to my toe…lol. That’s when all the positive thinking comes to bite me in the behind.
I agree on the meaning thing too, golly me, what I endured in my abusive relationship I wouldn’t wish in anyone. Meaning or no meaning! When it’s short term, it’s easier to find meaning; when the pain drags on for years, that’s when it’s much harder and more depressing.
I too have no expectations but unlike you, I am a lazy creature and could probably do with a bit of stretching here and there, and some walks. All I do is blob around in the sauna/ice bath once a week, cold showers (if that counts as exercise) , and sitting on my behind to bike to/from work - long gone are the days of dance and gymnastics. So your aerials and dancing are inspirations!
We all need your dad, LoWa! Having someone who actually cares about your health ... be still, my beating heart! My daughter is planning to remove her IUD and I mentioned that someone I know had worked with a hormonal therapist on getting her cycles back to normal before she got pregnant (she's 6 mos now!)
Veronica was reluctant to add another to-do on her list, and thinks women don't get near enough credit for the whole bleeding thing that she's dreading again. But I said that if she found someone she loved, what a joy that would be! She agreed.
I'm totally with you on the single focus on pain when you have it! Those times I have, sometimes with things that lasted for months, I've done everything to 'psych' myself out of it, to no avail. I don't have any magic answers on that. Wish I did.
My friend Lisa has denied that she ever said I was easy on myself. What she clarified to mean is that I don't do moves that seem sketchy, that might twist or tweak. But since you describe biking to and from work as 'sitting on your behind,' I think you're a minimizer too ;-)
There are many things that make me happy, music obviously being a really big one.
The soundtrack for my emotional life has always been the late piano works of Brahms. Everything is there: joy, regret, love, loneliness -- you name it.
Sorry to hear that about your friend, Mark. I just listened to a heartbreaking interview (but also full of hope and joy) by Dr Sam Bailey called “Motherhood, Medicine and Vaccine Injury” where Jennifer Walters talked about caring for her severely v injured son. She said something quite profound, “Healthy people have many dreams. Sick people have only one.” It moved me, as I have also been there and found my dreams narrowing to just one: to be well. Now that I am well (not perfect but massively better), I have many dreams and like you, struggle to connect back with friends who are severely, chronically ill (like can hardly leave the bed, need help to go to bathroom) as their whole life feels so dark and so saddening to them. It’s all fun and games until one gets hit by a car (almost happened to me last week on my bike - very scary)…I was literally just thinking “oh how happy I am, my neighbour made me some amazing soup (he’s a chef!), my colleagues said nice things about my work, and I am biking yay” and then the car did its thing - seemingly on purpose, which made it worse for me. Accidents are ok - deliberately trying to harm someone is not ok! Was more shaken by the fact of a deliberate near-murder than I was by the incident itself
I'm so glad you put out this stack, Tereza. It's funny how sharing our happiness can make us feel vulnerable. (Part of the trap laid here, we're guilty if we're happy, we're insensitive, we're clueless, etc.)
When I was a little kid I was so happy all the time. It didn't matter what I was doing - though I mostly wanted to be running or climbing a tree - I was just happy. At around 12-13, after realizing how messed up this world was - so many miserable people and the ongoing misunderstandings between people seemed totally fucked. (Pretty sure where I was before everyone was telepathic and misunderstandings didn't happen. I was indignant about that.)
So I went into a bit of a depression. I would go to bed and talk to God and insist there was a mistake and I was sent to the wrong place. I was convinced of it. All my appeals didn't change anything - I still woke up here!
Much later, when I went through a trauma and life went off the rails, I heard a familiar voice say "Dare to be happy." That seemed impossible.
But it persisted. The message was so clear - when everything is hard and you can't see how it resolves - dare to be happy. In that revolutionary act, we realize we are free. Free no matter the constraints. I can't say I've always remembered that, but it's never gone away either.
Happiness is a choice. We think - we've been programmed to think - it's tied to achievement, to external conditions being just right, to the right partner, or job, but ultimately it's just a choice.
A very powerful choice which becomes self-fulfilling.
Thanks, T! Love this message and I appreciate the reminder.
Oh so glad you elaborated on your YT comment that encouraged me (gave me courage) to put out the Substack! It's always so hard with you, Kathleen, to figure out who's leading and who's following. It feels like walking in-step where your foot might touch ground sooner or mine, but always in the spirit-led direction.
In your reply, you stride a little further than me, by saying happiness is a choice. What an audacious comment! The utter nerve of you! And you bring the street cred of trauma, which I don't have, to be able to say it.
Without a question, my circumstances are conducive to my happiness. But do they make me happy? I loved Naomi's statement that she once lived in a peaceful treehouse and now lives above a quarry of chaos and noise ... and is still happy. Which comes first, the choice to be happy or the circumstances?
In one of the linked videos, I talk about Jacques Lusseyran finding joy and poetry in Buchenwald. I think it's the one where I decide NOT to invite him to my pity party.
One of my Course meditations (maybe today's, I'm at Veronica's and am relying on memory) is 'Heaven is the decision I must make.' The same thing you're saying.
If we get the chance to chat later today, my Apocaloptimist hippopotamus, I will be happy. If not, I won't be unhappy. I know you'll be there in spirit.
For example, a person comes into my business to show off their restored 1972 Citroen CV because previously I had stated that I like the bigger sedans by Citroen.
My reply, "That mechanic did a masterful job. Truly, a thing of beauty".
His reply, "Guess how much that cost?"
Me, "I don't care. It's just art."
He then lost his smile! I guess I didn't acknowledge his ownership.
Beautiful Tereza, what a lovely post! I’ve been playing with my ‘happiness limit’ lately. I get into flow playing four square or cards with my son, and pretty soon my chest tightens and the voices start of ‘when can I get away?’. It’s a weird thing that I want to get away from joy and fun- but somehow that has been trained in me! I practice softening my heart and I can stay with it longer. And more joy and connection is growing.
So good to hear from you, marta! I've never been very good at playing, btw. It's just not in my nature. Fortunately, my ex was much better at it. Glad you're stretching your capacity!
Really appreciate you reading, Muse Playbook. What an evocative name! I spend so much time analyzing the Archist playbook that I forget to chronicle what's in spirit's--synchronicity, timing, miracles and joy!
My friend Joan had many good qualities, but her emotional suffering and loneliness made it difficult for our friendship at times. I'd tell her about something that had made me happy (a hike to a mountain lake, for example), and she'd respond with regrets about not being able to do that herself, and how unhappy she was, and so forth. This was a problem even before her cancer diagnosis. So eventually I learned not to share things that made my happy, and focused more on doing things for her that could bring her happiness. It felt a bit stifling to keep my own life under wraps like that, but it was what I had to do as part of my program to alleviate her suffering.
P.S. Music brought me much happiness yesterday. First this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvERZk4oE0Q
Then playing some Celtic / tango music with friends. One of these friends was the one who called me a "murderer" for not taking the Glorious Goo, but she seems to have forgotten all that, and wants to be my friend again. That was fine, and the music-making was really fun. But I still have a wariness about friendships like this.
I remember saying once that I woke up feeling happy and a friend replying 'You must not have chronic pain.' It is why it felt risky to make this confession. It invokes, "What nerve you have to be happy when other people are suffering!" And I think this goes back to religion and a god of suffering and sacrifice.
I'm glad to provide a place where you can confess things that make you happy, Mark ;-) Kathleen's response on YT gave me the courage to post this. Grateful for you both!
You must also give us your hottest tips for avoiding chronic pain! So we young ones can be spring chickens like you
I think that's one of the trickiest threads to detangle, LoWa. If I were doing something--physically, mentally, nutritionally, spiritually--to not have chronic pain, I would be controlling that. I would have a type of magic ritual that I could market. I'd be responsible for my lack of pain, meaning that if I had pain, I'd be responsible for that too. The same would go for finding love, having money, a fulfilling career, or any of the things we 'manifest.'
What I look at is whether there's meaning in my pain. For instance, the root canal I have scheduled at the end of this month. It's showing me that, when things go wrong, I have the competence and resources to deal with them. And that I have some lovely people it gets me in touch with. And connects me to other people who are dealing with pain, and understanding how debilitating that is.
I don't think any of us can find the meaning in someone else's pain or tragedy. But it's okay to be happy and not internalize their pain, or feel that you care less about theirs because you haven't dealt with it. Not having my own physical or emotional baggage has given me the bandwidth to be aware of how suffering is being inflicted on a global scale. I don't need to assume people are suffering, however. I can think of people in Gaza laughing in the worst of deprivation, and having more meaning and understanding of purpose in their little finger than I'll have in a lifetime. And I'll still be as motivated to give them less meaning, through less suffering, insh'allah.
But now for a superficial answer. My friend Lisa say I'm a model for her in going easy on myself. When we do aerial or dance, she's always beating herself up for the things she can't do. When our teacher asked our goals, I said I had none--I was perfectly happy with where I was at. So my answer is to lower your expectations ;-) Pain is not gain.
Ohhh yees so tangly! I worked in my dad’s clinic for a while and it was amazing to see people going in looking defeated and coming out like spring chickens. All without pills! And subtle realignments, plus holistic nutrition, meditation, breathing, essential oils etc.
But I feel you - I don’t want to be in the mindset of “controlling” or “managing” my health (nor the victim-blaming inherent in self-responsibility/bootstraps mentality) but I still do acknowledge there are things I can do that help, things that don’t, and also plain old luck that may or may not work out at the last minute (like for your daughters). It’s so easy to forget pain when I don’t have it, but the moment I stub my toe and my whole world has collapsed to my toe…lol. That’s when all the positive thinking comes to bite me in the behind.
I agree on the meaning thing too, golly me, what I endured in my abusive relationship I wouldn’t wish in anyone. Meaning or no meaning! When it’s short term, it’s easier to find meaning; when the pain drags on for years, that’s when it’s much harder and more depressing.
I too have no expectations but unlike you, I am a lazy creature and could probably do with a bit of stretching here and there, and some walks. All I do is blob around in the sauna/ice bath once a week, cold showers (if that counts as exercise) , and sitting on my behind to bike to/from work - long gone are the days of dance and gymnastics. So your aerials and dancing are inspirations!
We all need your dad, LoWa! Having someone who actually cares about your health ... be still, my beating heart! My daughter is planning to remove her IUD and I mentioned that someone I know had worked with a hormonal therapist on getting her cycles back to normal before she got pregnant (she's 6 mos now!)
Veronica was reluctant to add another to-do on her list, and thinks women don't get near enough credit for the whole bleeding thing that she's dreading again. But I said that if she found someone she loved, what a joy that would be! She agreed.
I'm totally with you on the single focus on pain when you have it! Those times I have, sometimes with things that lasted for months, I've done everything to 'psych' myself out of it, to no avail. I don't have any magic answers on that. Wish I did.
My friend Lisa has denied that she ever said I was easy on myself. What she clarified to mean is that I don't do moves that seem sketchy, that might twist or tweak. But since you describe biking to and from work as 'sitting on your behind,' I think you're a minimizer too ;-)
I love all of this reply!
And so grateful for you, Anneke!
There are many things that make me happy, music obviously being a really big one.
The soundtrack for my emotional life has always been the late piano works of Brahms. Everything is there: joy, regret, love, loneliness -- you name it.
Sorry to hear that about your friend, Mark. I just listened to a heartbreaking interview (but also full of hope and joy) by Dr Sam Bailey called “Motherhood, Medicine and Vaccine Injury” where Jennifer Walters talked about caring for her severely v injured son. She said something quite profound, “Healthy people have many dreams. Sick people have only one.” It moved me, as I have also been there and found my dreams narrowing to just one: to be well. Now that I am well (not perfect but massively better), I have many dreams and like you, struggle to connect back with friends who are severely, chronically ill (like can hardly leave the bed, need help to go to bathroom) as their whole life feels so dark and so saddening to them. It’s all fun and games until one gets hit by a car (almost happened to me last week on my bike - very scary)…I was literally just thinking “oh how happy I am, my neighbour made me some amazing soup (he’s a chef!), my colleagues said nice things about my work, and I am biking yay” and then the car did its thing - seemingly on purpose, which made it worse for me. Accidents are ok - deliberately trying to harm someone is not ok! Was more shaken by the fact of a deliberate near-murder than I was by the incident itself
“Healthy people have many dreams. Sick people have only one.”
Thank you for this. It puts my experience with Joan into a better perspective than the one I was seeing at the time.
I'm so glad you put out this stack, Tereza. It's funny how sharing our happiness can make us feel vulnerable. (Part of the trap laid here, we're guilty if we're happy, we're insensitive, we're clueless, etc.)
When I was a little kid I was so happy all the time. It didn't matter what I was doing - though I mostly wanted to be running or climbing a tree - I was just happy. At around 12-13, after realizing how messed up this world was - so many miserable people and the ongoing misunderstandings between people seemed totally fucked. (Pretty sure where I was before everyone was telepathic and misunderstandings didn't happen. I was indignant about that.)
So I went into a bit of a depression. I would go to bed and talk to God and insist there was a mistake and I was sent to the wrong place. I was convinced of it. All my appeals didn't change anything - I still woke up here!
Much later, when I went through a trauma and life went off the rails, I heard a familiar voice say "Dare to be happy." That seemed impossible.
But it persisted. The message was so clear - when everything is hard and you can't see how it resolves - dare to be happy. In that revolutionary act, we realize we are free. Free no matter the constraints. I can't say I've always remembered that, but it's never gone away either.
Happiness is a choice. We think - we've been programmed to think - it's tied to achievement, to external conditions being just right, to the right partner, or job, but ultimately it's just a choice.
A very powerful choice which becomes self-fulfilling.
Thanks, T! Love this message and I appreciate the reminder.
Oh so glad you elaborated on your YT comment that encouraged me (gave me courage) to put out the Substack! It's always so hard with you, Kathleen, to figure out who's leading and who's following. It feels like walking in-step where your foot might touch ground sooner or mine, but always in the spirit-led direction.
In your reply, you stride a little further than me, by saying happiness is a choice. What an audacious comment! The utter nerve of you! And you bring the street cred of trauma, which I don't have, to be able to say it.
Without a question, my circumstances are conducive to my happiness. But do they make me happy? I loved Naomi's statement that she once lived in a peaceful treehouse and now lives above a quarry of chaos and noise ... and is still happy. Which comes first, the choice to be happy or the circumstances?
In one of the linked videos, I talk about Jacques Lusseyran finding joy and poetry in Buchenwald. I think it's the one where I decide NOT to invite him to my pity party.
One of my Course meditations (maybe today's, I'm at Veronica's and am relying on memory) is 'Heaven is the decision I must make.' The same thing you're saying.
If we get the chance to chat later today, my Apocaloptimist hippopotamus, I will be happy. If not, I won't be unhappy. I know you'll be there in spirit.
I love that - heaven is the decision I must make. Yes, same idea.
I'm heading off to my second gig - which has been nicely paying for the handyman, so no complaints.
I'll miss yet again the meeting, but as you note, I'll be there in spirit. Virtual hugs to the Apocaloptimists for me. xox
Beautiful! (The message, the rose and you!) I will personally verify that you are truly, confessionally, happy 😘
Also happy birthday to Veronica, and I hope she enjoys all her treats, including her Mama Mia. 🎉🎈🎂
Too many mistake happiness for hubris!
For example, a person comes into my business to show off their restored 1972 Citroen CV because previously I had stated that I like the bigger sedans by Citroen.
My reply, "That mechanic did a masterful job. Truly, a thing of beauty".
His reply, "Guess how much that cost?"
Me, "I don't care. It's just art."
He then lost his smile! I guess I didn't acknowledge his ownership.
Beautiful Tereza, what a lovely post! I’ve been playing with my ‘happiness limit’ lately. I get into flow playing four square or cards with my son, and pretty soon my chest tightens and the voices start of ‘when can I get away?’. It’s a weird thing that I want to get away from joy and fun- but somehow that has been trained in me! I practice softening my heart and I can stay with it longer. And more joy and connection is growing.
So good to hear from you, marta! I've never been very good at playing, btw. It's just not in my nature. Fortunately, my ex was much better at it. Glad you're stretching your capacity!
What, are you trying to be a good influence?!
I recommend we all spend a little more time lifting others up. :)
Really needed this today. Thanks so much for posting.
Really appreciate you reading, Muse Playbook. What an evocative name! I spend so much time analyzing the Archist playbook that I forget to chronicle what's in spirit's--synchronicity, timing, miracles and joy!