What is Tonic Masculinity?
the antidote to patriarchal poison
In this episode, I explain what Tonic Masculinity means to me and why it felt like an important concept to capture in a phrase. And I describe why it’s a concept that should be defined by women. Let’s do this!
the antidote to patriarchal poison
Many men bristle at the term patriarchy because they think it’s women saying they’re the problem. However it’s not the patri- that’s the problem but the -archy, which means the archons who rule over others. Hierarchy is the inheritance order of the archons. Patriarchy is redundant because only men were archons in ancient Greece, from which we get democracy. Matriarchy is a contradiction in terms.
In Western religions, governments and economics, women are at the bottom. In the Bible, I don’t think women even exist—every time there’s a named woman, I think it represents a territory. In the Bible, Joseph goes into Egypt and turns all the sovereign farmers into indentured servants by taking their grain and not giving it back until they turn over their livestocks, their land, their wives and children as slaves. That’s still the system of economy we have, as he proudly boasts.
It isn’t feminism that’s emasculated men but patriarchy. The function of a masculinity is to be a father, support a wife and children, care for a home, and participate in the community of men doing the same. That’s no longer possible under the economic system that’s come down to us from patriarchy.
without toxic, tonic makes no sense
The reason it’s up to women to define Tonic Masculinity is because we’re the one who use Toxic Masculinity. In the article looking for the origins of tonic masculinity, the author found 28,000 hits on ‘toxic masculinity’. It’s a phrase that came into the lexicon because it described something women knew to be real.
The term Toxic Masculinity was needed in order to describe a set of traits women experienced from some men—not all. The reason a qualifier like toxic was needed is because it’s not masculinity that’s toxic, it’s a certain type of behavior. If it was all masculinity, women wouldn’t need to distinguish.
When the men who took the term from me describe tonic masculinity, they’re simply describing masculinity because they don’t believe that toxic masculinity exists. But masculinity itself isn’t the opposite or antidote to poison. It’s women to whom toxic masculinity rings true and captured something they experienced. So it’s women who need to say, ‘So that’s what we see as toxic and here’s what we see as tonic.’
the bees and the birds
The other reason it’s up to women to define Tonic Masculinity is because toxic is a function of how men treat women. The men usurping Tonic Masculinity are using it to describe the relationships between men and other men, not men and women.
And certainly the relationships between men have been broken, I believe by patriarchy. Because of our economic system, men no longer work with their hands, help build a house, help figure out their neighbor’s plumbing. There’s a link between masculinity and manual labor, although it’s something we all do who care for homes and families. Working together is bonding for men.
Although that’s broken, it’s not what anyone describes as toxic. I define Toxic Masculinity as superiority to women. That is patriarchy. It’s not natural to masculinity.
you gotta serve somebody
What is the opposite of feeling superior to women? It’s not seeing women as equals. That heads in the direction of saying that we’re all the same and women, like men, should be serving the market. No! Men shouldn’t be serving the market either.
The market is a euphemism for serving the bankers. We sometimes say serving investor profits but that’s not accurate either because they have invested their own stored labor—only the stolen labor of our parents and grandparents through the mortgage.
Tonic Masculinity is not women being equal in the boardroom, in the masculine world of business. It’s the masculine in service to the feminine, representing home and family. It’s also in service to the intuitive, the spiritual. Religions are masculine hierarchies, but spirit is feminine—the right-mind, feminine side of the brain.
home economics
Tonic Masculinity is men feeling they have something to learn from women in realms like economics. The word economics comes from the management of the household. In the male interpretation of ancient Greece, it meant the management of slaves, property and servants.
But every mother is an economist. You have to balance things out to make sure they’re fair. You need to develop incentives. You need to stay one step ahead of those Machiavellian midgets who are trying to get what they want without giving you what you want.
This is something at which mothers are all experienced.
just a house husband
Thanks to Frances Leader, I recently had a conversation with Doc Malik, who is such a warm, genuine and delightful person. At some point I said, “Well, I’m just a housewife.” And he said, “Never, never, never say ‘just’ in front of housewife again. Look at me, I’m a house husband now.” And sure enough, we were chatting while one of his kids was in gymnastics and he was occupying the others with hot chocolate.
I very much appreciate Ahmad’s perspective on this, which is whole hearted and appreciative of women, with firsthand knowledge of what it takes to run a family. Yet I thought later that I would stop saying ‘just’ when he stops calling himself ‘Doc’ and presents himself as a house husband rather than a former orthopedic surgeon.
It reminded me of the two women I mentioned in The Myth of the Terrible Mother who did a podcast convincing women they should be stay-at-home wives, yet presented their own credentials from the masculine worlds of academia and healthcare.
Every time that someone asks, “So what do you do?” they’re asking your status in the male domains of business and money. That’s who you are. And I think that’s a habit that we need to break.
the power dynamic of laughter
Tonic masculinity is laughing at women’s jokes. It took until I was divorced and hanging around with women to discover that I was actually funny, and not just the one who laughs. There’s a trope among men in the online dating world that the way to a woman’s heart—or something—is to make her laugh. But it’s not actually true, and they try way too hard. It’s actually laughing at her jokes.
There’s a power dynamic to laughter and I’ll attach my video on that at the end. It’s a competition, which is the last thing we need. We don’t need men to be sensitive and listen to women process their feelings, that’s such a stereotype. Just laugh!
is captivating holding captive?
My oldest daughter and I were talking about a couple of guys that we know. They’re captivating, charming and really fun to be around, but you always feel on edge, like you’re playing a role in their drama and trying to remember your lines. It’s exhausting!
She was glad she realized early on how much she valued feeling safe. Not safe as in ‘he can protect me from an attacker’ but safe with someone, that you’re not being judged. Feeling certain that someone likes you and will always have your back. Even if you don’t want what he does, he won’t turn on you. I think that’s tonic masculinity.
We can have fun with each other, and not care what anyone else thinks. The reward of tonic masculinity is letting go of superiority and competition. We can get back to things being easy and having what everyone deserves—to love one another, raise healthy, secure kids, and enjoy the differences.
As Kathleen Devanney posted, “Here's to having fun being ourselves, together.”
Explains: why he who laughs first loses; why women find funny guys attractive but men like women who laugh; the difference between mean funny and meme funny; how ridicule and the clever put-down are coin of the internet realm; cultural appropriation and the virtue signaling vice squad joy police; and why being really funny often correlates with being a little bit broken.
The Hieros Gamos is the sacred union of the king-god and high priestess. In the Horus Gamos, Isis re-members Osiris to conceive Horus. I look at hieros vs. eros, the eek! lips!, moving into the House of Yes, flirting and the sextrovert, the white tigress and the inner king, and queen of the microrave.
Let me see if I understand correctly:
You coined the term "tonic masculinity," with a specific meaning behind it. That meaning has been lost in the shuffle.
You saw other people on Substack appropriate your term without crediting you for coining it. One of whom was Charles Eisenstein.
But did Charles use the term as you used it or was he one of the re-definers?
Because it's emerged that he's appropriated the language of The New Story and the Old Story from someone named Thomas Berry, without credit. And he took the term Interbeing from Thich Nhat Hanh without mentioning his source. Seems Charles thinks living in the Gift means he's entitled to lift ideas and concepts and terminology without giving due credit to his sources.
Spent my 20s looking around for some intoxicating masculinity but guess how much of that existed in the theatre world. 😂
I kid, I kid. I don’t know if I ever looked too deep into all this in a philosophical way. I excelled in male dominated fields because it was fun and the pay was good. Driving big vehicles and heavy machinery wasnt all that difficult (and probably a bit easier for women to drive fork lifts, for example, because our periphery is an advantage) but earned some street cred in blue collar communities. The work flowed easier because the banter was oh, so not PC, especially in construction when any name for hardware is a euphemism for something phallic. No one got canceled, it was good natured and you bet that the few times an outsider turned threatening, my colleagues bared their teeth.
This is such a contrast to something I just saw on X with a lady talking about how the execs at one of those Diddy parties averted their eyes as she was pleading for help when she was about to get raped.
I don’t know if I have an actual point. I wish we could stress less about dividing factors. In the end, I truly love what you were aging about the big war being that between those who wish to be governed and those who chose autonomy. Almost everything can be reduced to that. Even the toxic/tonic masculinity which men and women both play a role in.