Pedo-Sadists & a Call for Help

where to go when the authorities are corrupt?

First things first. The phrase pedophilia is a contradiction in terms. No one who loves children would molest them. We talk about Francophiles who love all things French or bibliophiles who love books. The term pedophile softens and normalizes an act of torture and violence, the willful infliction of trauma and the sadistic use of power. It is accompanied with threats and shaming in order to keep it secret. It damages the victim and the relationships with everyone they trust, who failed to protect them. Call it what it is—pedo-sadism.

In this episode I tell a personal and urgent story of a 16 year old girl, whose mom is my neighbor, who is in a dangerous and abusive situation where every avenue to go to an authority has been blocked. There is corroborating evidence that the dad, with a history of extreme violence, may be drugging her, going into her room (which only has a lock on the outside to lock her in), forces her to keep her curtains open for the registered ‘pedophile’ and his adult male guests next door, and may have plans to traffic her.

I’m telling her story because the mom is doing everything she can think of to keep her safe and has run out of options. I wracked my brain and my personal connections before deciding to take the risk of going public. What I realized is that nothing that I do, even if it came to the attention of the dad, can make her situation more precarious than it is. As long as she’s isolated and others don’t know what’s going on, she’s vulnerable. And so, while this keeps me awake at night and makes me feel sick, I thought I would burden you with it too. You’re welcome.

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Any situation, personal or political, requires evaluating facts and logic, looking at the consistency between them, and asking “What difference does it make?” The information and evidence that I have comes from the mom who hasn’t seen her now-grown son or her daughter in ten and a half years. What if she (and the grandmother) are crazy or lying to me? Her information comes from her daughter on a phone she smuggled to her through a friend and a phone line that won’t be recognized as the mom’s if it is confiscated. What if the daughter is making it up to get attention?

What I’ll give you is what I’ve been told and the evidence that’s been given to me or that I’ve found to back it up. You should judge it for yourself and evaluate it for consistency. But here are the consequences. If the daughter or mom are lying and we believe them, the daughter will go somewhere safe until it can be investigated and then she’ll go back. If the mom and the daughter are telling the truth and we don’t believe them, the daughter could be disappeared with the story that she ran away or could be suicided, something she’s promised the mom she would never do without getting to finally see her.

With that said, it would be much easier to believe this isn’t real. So even though I won’t be using names other than the family court judge, assume the word “allegedly” before every sentence.

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When I first met my new neighbor and learned she had two teenage kids she hadn’t seen in a decade, I thought the worst … of her. I could see she was a doting, playful mother to her pre-school daughter (with a different dad). I knew she didn’t drink or do any kind of drugs. The houses are so close, a slightly raised voice would be heard but I only ever heard laughing. But maybe she had a past.

She told me the court gave full custody to her abusive ex, who moved the kids away and broke off all contact. I wondered, is that legal? They must have had a good reason. Judges just don’t do those things without a cause. What did I really know about her? Then one day she told me I should look up Solano Families United. Under their “Plea to Journalist, Writers, Reporters and Influencers,” I read:

You’ll find out that Solano County Victim Witness Counselors don’t like Unger because she has a well-documented history of failing to protect female victims of violence and sexual assault. You’ll find that she was removed from CPS court due to excessive disqualifications due to bias. You’ll find out that Unger’s poor reputation is far-reaching and even other counties’ family law employees know about that “rogue judge in Solano County”. You’ll search online and find out about the recall attempt, and the numerous complaints on The Robing Room.

On the site Recall Judge Unger is a page of excerpts from the filed complaints. Yet the most poignant and devastating are the mothers’ stories, of what happened to the estranged kids after these court decisions. I found the full list of raw comments on The Robing Room, where judges can be rated with anonymous comments. Because Judge Unger has now retired, her page is only available on The Wayback Machine. But to make sure it didn’t disappear, I copied 15,000 words into a document, comment by heartbreaking comment, nearly every one a mother’s worst nightmare of custody given to an abusive or negligent spouse.

The advice on these pages shows the calculating method behind the madness— these mothers recommend that you grit your teeth and hire Unger’s husband as divorce lawyer if you can afford it. Then you can’t be assigned to her court because of conflict of interest. If you can’t afford a lawyer and end up there, file for bias and a different court after the first hearing. One video explains how profits are generated by giving one parent sole custody in temporary orders, forcing expensive legal battles. The Facebook group Against Unger Justice 4 Mothers gives even more details.

In my neighbor’s case, the corruption goes even deeper.

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I asked her to describe the abuse in her marriage and she texted me:

Let’s see, the physical side of it for 12 years resulted in him busting my left ear drum, many black eyes, he cut my eyeball once with his wedding ring when he punched me, dislocated my shoulder and broke my right arm, broken nose a few times, he would ALWAYS kick me repeatedly once I was down on the ground, which resulted in my kidney splitting open one time and I had to have surgery to repair it, many broken ribs so badly that to this day I still have what is called a floating rib because one of my ribs broke off my ribcage and never reattached. Many times after a beating he would add insult to injury by spitting on me afterwards, the last thing he left me with was from him stomping my head so many times after I was on the ground. It shattered my lower skull so I now have a lovely 3” scar and no skull on the lower back part of my head where it attaches to the spinal cord as a reminder.

Those physical scars heal up eventually but it’s the mental and emotional that stayed with me for years. Often the unseen scars and wounds are what hurt most. He would call me things like a stupid cunt (which he also called my daughter recently as well) told me I was worthless and nobody would ever want my stupid ass and I should be grateful he kept me around, nothing I ever did was right nor was it ever good enough. I would clean the house spotless and he would put on a pair of white latex gloves and go around the whole house until he found a spot with dirt somewhere and I was yet again a failure and an idiot and worthless. At one point in our marriage he actually placed bars on the windows in our house and would padlock the doors from the outside while he went to work leaving me and the kids with no way out until he got home, not even if there was an emergency.…

After being told these things for so many years a part of me began to believe maybe he was right and began blaming myself for never being good enough. But after I woke up in the hospital from my head surgery I immediately asked where were my babies and if they were alright. My mom was with them in the waiting room and brought them in to see me. I remember looking at [their] beautiful innocent faces and decided then and there I had to leave him because I did not want my children growing up thinking that love is supposed to hurt …

When she got out of the hospital, she took the kids to Washington State and stayed in a women’s shelter, and then with her mom for eight months. Throughout this, she called her husband every night so the kids could say good night to him, despite his irritation for being bothered. Then she agreed that his mom, who also lived in Washington, would pick up the kids and take them to stay with him for the month of August 2011.

Throughout that month she talked to them every day. On Aug 31st she waited at the meeting place but he never showed. He didn’t answer her calls, nor did his mother or sister. She contacted the police in Washington and California but both told her that since they were still married and without a custody agreement, there was nothing they could do.

On Valentine’s Day, after six and a half months, he called out of the blue and said that they would meet her for a visit and ‘to talk’. With him still on the phone, she ran to buy them Valentine presents and he laughed at her and said she didn’t need to do that—a bad sign, in retrospect. At the arranged McDonald’s, a strange man came up and said her name. He then pulled a document a couple inches out of a manila envelope and said “Your husband is suing you for divorce.” She collapsed to her knees, sobbing. The guy mumbled, “I’ll be in touch” and left, taking the papers with him. She phoned her husband who answered and said, “You stupid bitch, we’re nowhere even near Washington. We’re not coming, I just wanted to get you in a place my lawyer could find you.”

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She did see the strange man a month later. He showed up in front of a store in her neighborhood and asked if she wanted to do some drugs. She said “Sure, I’ll meet you around back,” and then went in the store and sent the security guard out to him. Six months later he called and identified himself as her husband’s attorney and arranged to meet at the McDonald’s. This time he brought papers for her to sign saying that she would owe no child support, but kept his thumb over the sheet saying she would give up all custody of her children. She took it from him, read it, and ripped it in two, saying she would never sign away custody of her kids. He took the pieces with him and left.

Months later, she located the lawyer’s name and number, and called to ask where her kids were and why she couldn’t talk to them. Her husband called her mom’s phone at 3 am to tell her the kids didn’t want to talk to her. That was the only time he called in ten years.

It took the mom seven years to get a copy of the divorce documents that had never been served on her. When she found the court, it was Unger’s in Solano County, and despite numerous tries, she could only get a copy after the judge had retired. When she did, the clerk who pulled the documents noticed something strange—her name was spelled wrong in the signature. Her name from birth has an unusual spelling but whoever had signed—relinquishing all custody—had spelled it wrong.

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Soon after that she woke up around 2 am and something told her to search the internet again for her son, who also has an unusual name spelling. Someone with that name had just started a Facebook page moments earlier. She sent a note to see if it was the right person and he stated that he shouldn’t respond since there was a restraining order against her but, as his mother, he’d let her write one message.

She wanted him to know that it wasn’t his fault. Whatever happened had been between her and his dad but he should know it had nothing to do with him. She had never gone a day without looking for him and loving him, and she was just happy to know he was okay.

The son broke down in his next message and said, “I knew you didn’t abandon us. I love you too and I’m so glad that you found me.” They corresponded for some weeks, during which she found they were in Solano County, and then suddenly he sent a text that he didn’t want to talk to her ever again. That was the last contact she’s had from her son.

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A year later someone wrote to her on Facebook and said she was helping her friend find her birth mom. That began cautious conversations with her daughter, who asked how she could know if she could trust her. The mom said no one can tell you that, you need to listen to your heart. The daughter asked questions about her past and said later she was testing her, asking questions in different ways, but the answers were always consistent. According to the mom, these are things her daughter told her:

In one conversation, the daughter asked if the mom had dropped her on her head in a cement basement, which is what she’d been told for why she was so stupid. The mom said absolutely not, and furthermore, they never even lived in a house with a cement floor or basement. And she wasn’t stupid.

When the mom had gained her trust, the daughter told her that when the dad found out the son was talking to his mom, he hit him and broke his jaw. Then he made him write the text. That was when the dad moved the family to Idaho where two of the stepmother’s relatives worked for the Sheriff’s department and another was warden of the prison.

The stepmother and dad had a son, then seven years old. The daughter was told she wasn’t part of the family and not allowed to eat with them or watch TV. When she first got her period, the dad sat her down for a talk. He told her that she could get pregnant now and, if she did, it would be her fault—even if it was from him or her grandfather.

At 15, she got a ride home from an older boy who pulled over the car and tried to rape her, ripping her shirt. She got out of the car and ran home. As she came in, mascara running down her face, the stepmother asked what happened and she told her. The stepmom slammed a dictionary down and made her look up the definition of criminal. “That’s what you are,” she said, and made her write the definition 130 times.

At a get-together with the stepmother’s family, everyone was watching a movie, to which the daughter wasn’t allowed and was in the kitchen. The brother-in-law who worked for the Sheriff’s department came in and started grabbing her. She asked him to please stop. He said, “After what you’ve done (meaning the attempted rape), no one would believe you.”

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According to the daughter, the stepmom once choked the older brother for not washing the dishes right, until his face turned blue and she left nail marks on his neck. Then the dad came in and slammed him against the counter for not respecting his stepmom. Another time she beat him with a wooden spoon for missing a leaf when he raked the lawn.

The mom had her memorize her sister’s address, in case she ever needed a place to go. That came in handy when the dad confiscated her phone and found she’d been communicating with her mom. Saying that she was “a cunt just like her mom,” he kicked her out of the house.

Through a route I won’t describe, the daughter made it to her aunt’s house, where she found out everything she’d been told about her past was a lie. She stayed for two weeks until the father found her and sent the police to hand her over to his mom.

When she got back, she was given a behavior contract signed by the dad and stepmom. The stepmom’s signature is eerily similar to the misspelled name signing away custody. This is transcribed from the photo with the daughter’s handwritten notes in italics:

Consequences:

• No Marching Band —I already know this, why print it again, it just hurts more

• No TV

• No after-school activities

• You start with: 7 outfits (7 shirts/tops, 7 bottoms, 2 sweatshirts) 1 pair of shoes, 1 pair of pajamas, Bed w/sheets, blankets and pillows, school backpack, basic hygiene kit, 1 journal — did you find mine that I never got back?

If any of the items you are allowed to keep are damaged by your negligence or sloppiness they will not be replaced. If you fail to complete your laundry on your designated laundry day, you will wear dirty clothes for the following week.

Each week of Good Behavior* earns one listed item. Reward list: Jewelry (one item) —given to me by friends so shouldn’t be taken, 2 tops or 2 bottoms —ridiculous, it’s clothing, make-up —why is this something that’s taken away?, 1 pair of shoes, I hour of TV OR 1 family movie —I’m fine without those I already missed plenty, One supervised (requires OK by dad, since he will be supervising) afterschool activity —not usually allowed, my friends won’t want to hang out with me, one box of trinkets (photos, knick-knacks, crafts, memories, etc) —photos of what? what “knick-knacks”? what crafts? what memories?, one 15-minute supervised video chat with [mom’s name] (see rules on separate page)

Good Behavior is defined by the following:

• No unauthorized contact with [mom’s name] or her family members (text, email, phone call, snapchat or any other means of communication) —why can’t I talk to my family?

• Complete all missed schoolwork.

• Grades must remain at a B or higher.

• Follow all house rules.

• Be where you’re expected to be.

• Communicate. If a plan needs to change, it must be communicated immediately. —you’ll be following me around, so when would I use this?

• Follow the dress code.

• Take responsibility for your actions.

• Cooperate with investigators. —when?

Violation of the Good Behavior guidelines will result in no reward that week however violation of the following rules may result in loss of previous items, reward options being removed from the list, or additional consequences:

• Unauthorized contact with [mom’s name] or her family members by any means.

• Possessing items not on the allowed items list.

I don’t agree because you’re going to take off what I want most and I still don’t see why I can’t talk to my family. They love me and I would like you to realize it’s unfair for me not to talk to them because they are family.

Video Chat Rules

1. Calls will be supervised by dad. If I am not home, there will be no video chat.

   1. I have the right to end the call at any time if I feel it is necessary.

   2. Repeated rule-breaking by you or [mom’s name] will result in this option being taken off the list.

2. 15 supervised minutes —when can it go up?

3. 2 call attempts. If there is no answer after the second attempt, you may choose another reward from the list.

4. There must be video. No video, no chat. Dad will approve of the setting.

5. No talking about any other family members or sharing personal information (i.e. location, contact information, future plans … of relatives)

6. No talking about any travel plans.

Why am I not allowed to talk about what I want to be when I grow up, what grade I’m in, my honest opinion of how I am, or anything like that? This is not what I meant when I said seeing my mom. I’m 15. I should be able to talk with my mom if I want to. I seem like a prisoner with these rules. You said to be careful with my signature, so I’m just following your rules. I do not agree to this contract. Not once did we talk about it and write it out together. It was supposed to be something you write and want to see happen and something I write and want to see happen. But this is what you guys want. It’s unfair and I will not sign this. We didn’t even talk to the counselor either about it.

The dad’s sister once spoke against the treatment of the daughter at a family event, and she was banned from the family. Her own daughter sent a note to the mom saying:

My mom told me about [your daughter’s] situation. [Dad’s name and stepmom] are tortuous towards [your son and daughter] for a long time i have witnessed it, they do “chores” for hours everyday and are yelled at for every mistake ive seen [the stepmom] smack [your daughter] and even make her walk with a heavy packed hiking backpack for eating too slow.

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When the mom sent a copy of the ‘behavior contract’ to CPS, they interviewed the daughter in front of the stepmother, and later told the mom that in Idaho, as long as a kid has a roof over their head and is going to school, there’s nothing they can do. CPS, in any case, is required to send reports to the Sheriff’s office. She’s sent me a photo of their (non)response.

The mom is resourceful. The daughter is surrounded by watchful eyes—a school counselor, a sympathetic doctor, an employer, a new boyfriend (the old one ditched her when she told him what was happening), his friends, her friends, parents of friends. There are late night drive-by’s to verify the viewing gallery at the pedophile’s house. There are three-way all night calls, so the daughter can sleep and they can wake her if they hear a stranger’s voice at 3 am asking if she’s asleep … as has happened. Or if they hear the dad walking into the room.

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Here’s what I know from my own divorce and research:

• Divorce papers have to be served by a neutral party so that the dates and places of hearings are known. Children can’t be taken by one parent and hidden during the process. It takes at least six months from the time the papers are served until a divorce can be finalized, with multiple hearings.

• Any legal document like a marital dissolution agreement has to be notarized by someone who verifies the ID of the signer. No divorce agreement is legal unless both parties have an opportunity to present their side.

• No matter what the custody agreement, children cannot be taken from one spouse with all contact cut off, their location hidden, and no rights of visitation.

• Property bought with earnings or given by others, whether friends or the other parents, cannot be taken away from a child.

• There is no legitimate reason to forbid or prevent a child from talking with her family or having school-supervised extra-curricular activities.

What I would like to have happen:

• The daughter is legally able to go somewhere safe, of her own choosing, while an investigation is done into the allegations of forgery in the divorce, fraudulent representation, kidnapping, and child abuse.

• The investigation into the divorce should include transcripts of the hearings, examination of the notary seals and the books kept by those notaries.

• For the investigation into the kidnapping, the mom can show ten years of phone records showing she called the dad’s phone daily trying to reach her kids.

• The investigation into the abuse is collected by a public or private entity outside of the Idaho sheriff’s office or the Solano county judicial system, so that it can also investigate their role in enabling it.

• Witness testimonies, and there are many, can be kept confidential for their own safety.

Here’s my question for you—where does the mom go to make this happen? There are neutral safe houses ready to take the daughter in, who say she’s the sweetest, kindest young woman they know, a little shy and it will take her awhile to trust. They don’t have much, these other parents say, but they’ll share whatever they have to keep her safe. So how do we make this happen?

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To follow up, I need to recommend What’s the Best That Can Happen?

My daughter Cassandra has a new question, "what's the best that can happen?" I apply this to global events and the coup to take over our bodies, minds and world. I share some of the things that give me joy: Rob Brezsny's Love Bombs, Wendall Berry's The Power of Place, David Graeber and David Wengrow's The Dawn of Everything, and Caitlin Johnstone's Confused Species in an Awkward Transition Phase.

And Waking the Dragon Mom, which this mom certainly is:

Responding to Russell Brand's interview, I agree with Jordan Peterson that men and women are fundamentally different and I describe a feminine ideology, morality and shape of government. Jordan suggests a fourth branch of government as symbolic with a king. The symbol I'd choose for a feminine structure is the interlocking honeycomb with the child in the center and the queen bee serving the hive. Jordan proposes that lust isn't a sin when directed to the marriage, but I look at sin as seeing inferiority, including objectified wives. I end by applying problem-solving criteria to the pandemic and wonder what it will take to wake the dragon mom.